Even before children are old enough to understand verbal language, they are learning about and observing human relationships, identity, and family structures. For all parents, it can be challenging to communicate difficult concepts such as marriage, reproduction, adoption, and human relationships.
For LGBTQ parents, we may find it especially difficult to talk about and explain our families and relationships to children in age-appropriate ways. Consider the following: "Where do I come from?" - "Why am I the only brown one in our family?" - "Some kids asked me if my mom is a lesbian. I don't know what to do." - "Why does Maria have a mom and a dad?" - "Everyone uses 'gay' as an insult and the teachers don't say anything."
The Boston based Family Equality Counsel has produced a free six-page publication entitled Talking to Children About our Families to help LGBTQ parents talk about and explain their families to children of various ages. Download it here. The publication contains age-appropriate language and examples of the type of questions you might expect from your own children or other children in your life.
As the publication explains:
"The presumption of a mother and father creating a child (which may be valid for some of our children) is one with which our children will be saturated through their daily interactions with children’s books, the media, school personnel, peer discussions and exposure to various family models. It is your job as a parent, whether you identify as part of the LGBTQ community or not, to teach your children about different family constellations."
and goes on to point out that:
"Very young children are not naturally inclined to make judgments about family structure. They see family configurations as a matter of fact. As children become a part of the larger peer culture, they will be exposed to other peoples' judgments of their families. The earlier children are given appropriate information about their lives and their families, the easier it will be for them to understand and appreciate them."
None of us ever expects or plans to become ill or injured. However, it is likely that each of us will - at one time or another - be unable to make or communicate our own health care decisions. Whether the medical condition is temporary or permanent, each of us has the opportunity while we are alert, competent, and healthy to appoint another person as medical decision-maker just in case. Often this takes the form of meeting with an attorney to execute a Health Care Proxy and perhaps a Living Will. For gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, the need to spell out our wishes and appoint an appropriate health care decision-maker is an absolute necessity.
The Forum for Massachusetts Law (http://www.malawforum.com/) recently posted Ten things to consider when contemplating or planning your advanced health care plan:
"1. Executing a Living Will is not enough. Although Living Wills are useful documents, they are not statutorily recognized in Massachusetts, and doctors and hospitals are not required to adhere to the wishes expressed in your Living Will. You need to execute a Health Care Proxy that names an Agent who will enforce your wishes.
2. In addition to identifying the Principal (you) and your Agent, your Proxy must state that you intend to grant to your Agent the authority to make health care decisions on your behalf; describe any limitations you wish to place on your Agent; and indicate that your Agent's authority becomes effective only if you subsequently lose capacity to make medical decisions. (Also, it is wise to include the addresses and telephone numbers of your Agent and Alternate, so they can be located quickly).
3. Your Proxy must be signed by you or at your direction in the presence of two adult witnesses. The witnesses must then sign and affirm that you appear to be at least eighteen, of sound mind, and under no constraint or undue influence. (It's a good idea to follow these rules if you execute a separate Living Will.)
4. The witnesses cannot be named as an Agent or Alternate Agent. And an operator, administrator, or employee of a medical facility where you are, or may be, a resident or patient cannot be your Agent, unless she is also related to you by blood, marriage, or adoption.
5. Do not hide your Proxy and Living Will in a safe. Execute five or six originals, one for your primary care physician (with oral and written instructions to place the documents in your medical records), one for your medical records at the hospital you are likely to end up at in an emergency, one for your Agent and one for your Alternate, one for your own records, and a copy for your lawyer's safe.
6. If you spend a lot of time in another state (winters in Florida, for example) you should consult an attorney in the second state to ensure that your Proxy will also be recognized there.
7. If your Agent is your spouse, and you divorce or are legally separated, your entire Health Care Proxy is revoked. In other words, your Alternate Agent cannot step in and take the place of your spouse. In this case—or if you revoke your Proxy orally or by drafting a substitute—you should collect your old documents, destroy them, and distribute your new Proxy.
8. Select your Agent and Alternate carefully. Make sure they understand your wishes and are willing to do all they can to ensure they are honored. Communication is vital.9. Express your wishes as clearly as possible in your Proxy and Living Will. Clarity and brevity will help your Agent, family, and doctor understand your wishes.
10. Communicate, communicate, and communicate.
a. Talk to your family about the wishes you have expressed in your Proxy and Living Will and tell them who you have selected as your Agent and Alternate. Surprise, hard feelings, or controversy around your hospital bed may create an unpleasant situation and could result in your wishes not being honored.
b. Talk to your doctor about your Proxy and Living Will. Make sure she, and the facility at which she enjoys staff privileges, are willing to honor your wishes."
Even before children are old enough to understand verbal language, they are learning about and observing human relationships, identity, and family structures. For all parents, it can be challenging to communicate difficult concepts such as marriage, reproduction, adoption, and human relationships.
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